India News

Everyone seems to be hearing more information about what is happening in India than I am. After the attacks on Mumbai I understand everyone's concern. I too am actually starting to wonder what is happening and what I should be doing. Auroville is such a bubble that little information from the outside world ever enters. Currently we, as a group, are in different communities around Auroville. I am in one that has four other girls from my group and one guy and one girl from the other cohort. The seven of us pass along whatever information we do know, but it's so little and usually we never hear anything. We also hardly see any of the faculty during these two in a half weeks while in the communities. The news usually cme from them but now it's not that we don't have contact we just don't see them.

I assume that Auroville is pretty safe because we are pretty far south and the largest city is Pondi that's twenty minutes away. I don't really know how safe Pondi is, it hasn't been on any of the US Government e mails I've been getting...so I guess it's fine. Then on the flip side it seems like the terrorists are attacking 'Westerners'. This place was established by a French woman and the majority of the people here are foriegn. I'm sort of just at a loss of what to think....or do. I have no clue what the Living Routes office back in the States is thinking. I guess they are watching what is happening and will make the choice to pull us out if it really does get bad.

The lastest e mail I recieved from the government had the usual warnings of be safe while traveling but it also said attacks might happed December 4th-6th. My flight is a few weeks off so perhaps it will be better by then, but who really knows right? I have been running around with some of the local Tamil guys and one of them thinks civil war is knocking pretty hard on their door. I think he's right. But again we really don't know what is going to happen so I shouldn't worry about it. I suppose I'm just ready to go home and getting antsy.

As far as the rest of life is concerned I'm doing ok. I don't want to try and cram in all that we have done in the past month into one blog so I'll do it slowly over the next few weeks. At the moment I feel very trapped. I am in this community, that I picked, but I feel that I made the wrong choice. I had first chosen this place because it's quite and I could self refect on what I have done so far this semester. But I have done so much self reflection that now I need fun. I need to excape all this New Age, let's constaly look at ourselfs attitude and run free. I live in a small room that looks a lot like a nun cell in a monastary. That room doesn't help because I end up feeling like a caged bird. I have been getting out more over the oast two days but it still isn't enough. I think it's the place itself that is bring me down. It is a beautiful place...but it's not what I need right now.

I also think a part of it has to do with the fact that I feel as though I'm 'done' even though I still have two weeks of the program left. My main reason for coming was for the solo, which is now done. I am also doing nothing in my community so I end up just sitting around thinking about home, usually. So I am ready to go home yet amd stuck here. I know I shouldn't think so negativily about it but that's how I feel right now.

As far as the solo is concerned I went into it without any intensions. I wanted to see what would come up on its own. We had the choice of doing with 40 hours or 60, I chose the 60. I had a conversation with my boyfriend the first night out loud to myself which allowed me to settle a lot of issue I was having. The next full day I didn't do much because it was so hot on the rocks. I meditated for the morning and then from 11 until 4 I laid in my cave to stay out of the sun. When I came out to watch the sunset I started to question why I was doing 60 hours when I knew all well and good that 40 was enough. Over the summer I came to terms with many of the deamons I had. For the solo, and the past 3 months, those things I learned have been challenged. I didn't need another day to understand that. I then started to cry because I realized the reason I was staying and was amashmed of it.

I have a very competitive nature and I have started to identify myself to that, probably not the best thing. Being competitive can be a good thing but at times it can be damaging. I figured out the only reason I was doing 60 was so that I could 'be a bad ass.' I felt so bad because I knew other people actually needed that time in order to find themselves. I was taking that away from them without their knowledge. I then decided not to do the 60 hours and to come down after 40. I also made a pact with myself to try and not be as competitive....or at least in certain situations understand that I'm doing it and step back. I think I'm doing ok so far. This is something that I am never going to get rid of though. I guess it's not who I actually am but it is so much a part of me....it's what drives me at times and I love it. It might be a bad addiction but I see it as part of my being....something I've always had and I wouldn't be me without it.

It actually was good that I came down the next day because that night I got an awful headache from not eating. If I had been able to walk I would have gone down. I actually tried at one point but only made it about 20 feet from my cave before I collapsed. I laid there a while then dragged myself back to my cave. I took my migraine medication but I think it might have made it worse. I didn't sleep that night, I just kept clawing out of my cave looking for the sun to rise. It was a meaningful experience that I would like to do again some day, perhaps at another turning point in my life. I also believe that everyone should try it. You really learn a lot about what you can do and who you are....and it stays with you forever.

I'll close with a little bad news. It seems like another cyclone is heading this way. I don't know how large it is compared to the other one but the first one lasted nearly a week. I must say I like being dry and not having all my clothes mold. I'm going to have to leave about half my clothes here because they are covered in mold. But that's India. We have made the joke that India teaches you how to survive.....that is 100% true.