Blah time

I'm more or less in full swing here in Auroville however, I am having some issues. I have been feeling very numb over the past few days, which we actually talked about today and a few others are feeling the same way. Last night I was trying to figure out why I might be feeling like this. Here is what I have come up with. We have been doing a lot of getting-to-know-each-other activities and somewhat traveling around Auroville. I like this and I am happy to have the down time but I don't feel as though I am actually here. I am just waiting for it all to start. Once the academic section starts I have a feeling that I’ll be better. I came here ready to start learning – and I suppose that I am learning but not really from where I thought I would be. It’s time to get dirty and learn and challenge myself and so far all I’ve been doing is sitting and listening to lectures and feeling like I’m on a field trip. I should be appreciating the time I have now but I guess I am too focused on the future, or the hopes I had, to really enjoy the now. All of this goes against what I said several blogs ago that I’m going to live in the moment. It seems as though I am failing at this. How do I get out of this? I’m really lost. My mind is really blank but I can’t seem to enjoy the time I have here. Again it’s been 3 days but I’m really frustrated with this feeling. I know I need to just let it go and not worry but it’s a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. I really need to blog on the program site so I’ll leave this one here for now. My last thing before I go however is that I will be doing Tai Chi instead of yoga every morning – at 6:15 am. Holy Cow! So for the next 3 mornings I’m slowly going to get up earlier and earlier so I won’t be quite as dead come Monday morning.

Day one

Hello all once again. I am here and at the moment only have 30 minutes of battery power left so I won't write very much. It's pretty hot here and I'm sweating like crazy....but there is a nice breeze most of the time which I love. I won't be able to post pictures for about two weeks....so you all will have to bear with me. It's been a good experience so far, even if I have only been here a day in a half. I presented my life presentation today which seemed to go well. I had better run...I'll try and wrote more later.

Feeling Calm

Now only two days away from flying to India, I feel calm. Usually in situations like this, I feel stressed and worried and a number of other emotions that make very unsettled. Yet right now I am not particularly excited, not upset either, I'm not a basket case -- I'm just calm. I know come Saturday morning my stomach will hit the floor. I don't seem to get 'butterflies,' my stomach feels more as though it's laying on the floor and I'm having to drag it everywhere. That feeling will come, just as it did when I left Jordan in South Bend and it every time I think about Saturday morning. But I am not worried about this feeling because I know it will be there and I have come to terms with that. My body seems to know that change is happening and it's nerves, like the first day of school. This is something that is really hard to describe and I'm not sure everyone can understand why I'm not freaking out. I feel more open and accepting about what might/will come and that allows me to release my usual feelings of stress. And let me say I am happy to get rid of stress.

I have my suitcase packed and it's weighing in at 39 pounds -- I'm allowed 44. I have everything I need in there and probably a little more but I tried very hard not to over pack. I remember when I went to Quito I lugged my largest suitcase and tossed in half my clothes. I was there for a week in a half. That was such a bad choice but I have learned from that and I believe I've done a good job this time. My carry-on weighs 16 and I'm allowed 17 so I'm cutting that one close. But I put my really important information in there along with a change of clothes so if something does happen to my suitcase I won't be completely up the creek. I have also decided to take my laptop. Since I have an obligation to my program in keeping my blog and while Auroville does have computers it isn't always feasible that one will get one. So in light of these possible foreseeable issues I felt it best just to take my computer. I will have a small load to lug around but once I'm there I can unpack the majority of these possessions and leave them in one location.

In the last few days I have been finishing up homework, packing, and getting all my ducks in a row. The homework has been going well. I have finally nailed down my presentation on passion. I'm actually rather proud of the presentation and I hope others will enjoy it as well. I learned a lot from the research I did and it settled many of issues I was having. I think the biggest thing I learned is that ones passion comes to you not from you. After getting a response back from one of my instructors in India about my problems with the assignment, he wanted me to question if this was an important issue in my life. I have discovered that the passion itself isn't important to me at the moment -- and I'm not sure if it will be once it comes to me. What is important is being open and listening so when it does come I will be able to receive it. So my challenge to myself over these next 3 months is learning to be open and receive whatever might come into me. I also need to be aware that it will take some time to learn these skills and not to become frustrated when I don't hear anything -- it will come.

My reading assignments are done along with the journal entries yet now I'm having issues with my personal life presentation. I sat down the other day and wrote from the time I entered Chamber Singers in the fall of 2001 until the present moment the major events that happened in my life. In the past 7 years there has been quite a few life altering moments, from becoming part of Chamber Singers to running away from home, meeting Jordan to making the choice to move to South Bend. There are so many changes that have happened that I cannot fit them into a 5-10 minute presentation. Today I am going to tackle and finish this assignment and create my visual...still not sure what to do with it either. But I need to keep a clear mind and what needs to come will come.

The last thing I want to touch on is the series Oprah did with Eckhart Tolle and his latest book, A New Earth. I have not read the book but I don't think the discussions they are having necessarily require reading the book. Once I return, I do intend to read it but in terms of understanding what is being discussed the book isn't necessarily relevant -- for me anyway. I have only watched the first two so far but they are really something else. I have thought in the past that people really cannot change in order to save the planet -- yet here are millions of people around the world that have felt this shift within themselves -- that something else is alive inside and are trying to bring that forth. That gives me hope that we can be the ones to change the planet and make it a better place for ourselves and future generations. I only want to touch on one or two things, but there are so many more that I welcome anyone who wants to know more to read the book and/or watch the web videos.

The second class was on the ego. We all have one but very few of use do not indulge it....me included. I finally made the connection in the film Spirited Away when a big blog comes in and starts eating everything -- he was a physical representation of the ego. I guess I 'got it' when I watched the film but I didn't really understand it until yesterday afternoon. My dad asked what represented ego in Howl's Moving Castle? (both of these film are by Hayao Miyazaki) The castle itself was the ego. What I found the most interesting is that the ego cannot survive in the now or the present. It thrives on the past and future, but here is the kicker...we are only ever in the now. It sounds stupid to say because 'Duh...of course we are in the present' but how many people really understand that? It was like me with the ego and Miyazaki's films...I 'got it' but didn't understand it. Say you want to enjoy a new bike so your dreaming about it but when you actually get the bike that happens in the present...so we really only live in the present. The future becomes the present at some point. True, you can enjoy past memories but you are doing that in the present too. So when someone says that an individual is living in the past or future they are living with their ego more than the now. I believe it was my last entry when I decided to live in the now because it was silly to dwell on past and future problems when I can be perfectly happy with the moment I'm in right now....is exactly what Tolle says! (A little mind blowing.) I feel like I am on the right track. Not only do I plan on listening for whatever wants to come to me, I need to work on living in the moment...both goals over the next few months and I feel as though they are within my reach.

Well I have written quite the epic story today. I'll end on those hopeful notes and the next time I'll write I will hopefully be in India!

It is now September 1st and I'm days away from being in India. I am excited, ready to head out into a new adventure but I've been down the past few weeks. Why, one might ask, was I down when I am going to possibly one of the most beautiful places on Earth? Let me explain. My boyfriend was accepted by Notre Dame into their philosophy Ph.D. program. A little over two weeks ago we drove all our belonging up to South Bend, IN to our new home. I made the decision awhile ago to join him there once I'm done with my undergrad -- basically once I'm back from India. I stayed there for two weeks which was long enough for me to start questioning what I did....or are going to do....all my stuff is there so it's a did. Anyway, I started to feel very lost and questioning why I was there. I love him very much, we fit together well, and I believe we will marry some day.....but I wasn't questioning any of those feelings. He is doing something with his life while I just followed him up there. I have never been the girl to follow a guy, or at least I thought. I am just kind of floating along lost in a sea of nothingness.

We have been apart the entire summer as well and I wont see him again until sometime in January. In our nearly 3 year relationship, we have only been apart for maybe 2 weeks at a time -- we have been living with each other for almost 2 years. This is going to be a true test of feelings for each other and find out if what we have is what we want. Which I do believe is a good thing, even though I might hate it. But since January we have been talking about the 9 months we will be without each other. True we have seen each other here and there but overall its a hell of a long time to be apart. Last week I came to a realization that I need to stop thinking so much about the future. I was home alone, he was in class, and I had been in a funk the whole time I was there --wasn't really sure why. I sat down and started writing and I wrote something that shocked me. It basically was along the lines of your life is ending until you're back in South Bend. My jaw dropped and I put down my pen. Was that really what I believed? I am going to India....INDIA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD......and my life is ending? I love him very much but to say I'm dead without him was an eyeopener. I then proceeded to give myself a pep talk that none of that was true. While I have read it, hear it from others, seen it on TV shows like Oprah, it didn't really hit me until then that I probably live my life in the future more than I should. I am missing everything that is happening around me and I should be thankful for what I have now, not what I might have or gain in the coming years. So after being a sour puss for a week in a half I decided those last 2 days I wasn't going to think about the tomorrow but only about the now....and maybe a few hours head. I have since tired to living in the moment, but wooh buddy is it hard. Right now it is difficult because in two weeks I will actually BE in India....who can not think about that?! I also just feel so distant from home life that it's hard not to think about being in South Bend or India or just somewhere else. But I am trying and that is about all I can do. I wonder how many people can say they appreciate where they are at any given moment? I know certain circumstances such as death of a loved one or no longer having a home due to a natural disaster wouldn't be happy moments, but just your run-of-the-mill city goer who is right there right now? I would suspect very few because of the countless things we have to do. Do we really have to do them? What can we give up or do less of? I'm going to try and living in the moment as best I can. Most of the time it takes a near death experience for someone to truly live in the moment but I'd rather not experience that. I actually believe that I on some level the realization I had was from a near-death-experience. I actually thought my life was over until I returned to South Bend. By saying, "I wish these 4 months would pass so I can get on with my life." is close enough for me. It is now time to live in the moment. Anyone who reads this I hope will challenge themselves to do the same. I think we all would become happier people and not dwell on the negatives as much, which I do a lot. I have to say I don't think it will be hard in India, other than looking forward to seeing my boyfriend again, because it's going to be such a new and different experience than any I have ever had before. But the two weeks before will be challenging. So wish me luck......it's going to be a long, winding, thought provoking road.