Confession

I suppose I need to admit something. As Saturday draws closer and closer I am becoming more and more nervous. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave. I know a few posts ago I was ready but I'm not so sure anymore. In the last few days I have being spending more time out in actual India and I love it. Not saying that I would want to live here, way to hot for me, but I am almost 100% sure I'll come back. Now I won't be coming back for Auroville...just the relationship I have developed with India. I really can't believe this is how I am feeling now. Myabe I am trying to escape my responsibilities that are waiting for me at home. I don't know but there is a strong desire to stay here longer. I am worried that I'm going to become unhappy once I'm home because I'll be 'homesick' for India. At night I think about what it's going to be like at home and shutter. True I don't really know but I have a pretty good idea and I'm not sure I like what I'm seeing.

I'm an adult however and cannot run away from my responsibilities....or life itself. Or can I? This question has been floating around in my head the past few days. I know it's wrong but I can't help but wonder. Now that I have had a taste of travel I am hungry for more. It's almost as though I feel like I'm slowly being crushed by a boa when I think about actually having to deal with real life again. I just want to be free....which is too much to ask it seems. During my community stay I was able to get out everyday and not worry about anything. I didn't have to be at a meeting or worry about dealing with female drama, I just got to live in India. Now back at CGH I'm tied again, on the plane I'm tied, and home I'll be strapped down as if I have a straight jacket on. I know all this imagery is harsh.....but I know it's true. I have been having a hard time acknowledging these facts to myself, but after talking to some people and admitting it out loud I know it's fact. Argh! I'm a month shy of 23 and currently life is very difficult and I don't see it getting any easier anytime soon.

I'm somewhat confused as to the feelings that I'm having. Are they normal for my age? Am I just going crazy? Whom do I talk to about these things? I know I won't always have answers and I love the unknown but some of these feelings I want to be explained. Life is a true challenge and I don't think I learned that until now. What sacrifices do I have to make? What will I gain from doing this or that? At some point I have to stop making lists, stop looking at all the options, just stop....and do. But what to do? These are my struggles and I am constantly feeling their burden. I want to be free of them, soar on the wind with the birds, but I am grounded, unable to make decisions. I don't think I can say much more, all that is left is more of the same....no need to keep beating the dead horse. I upset I have these feelings, but I have them for a reason right? With that I go.....still walking in the darkness, no light to drift toward.