THE END

I have been home for a few days now but have been too jet lagged to do anything. Then again it's currently 5:36 AM and I'm blogging. I'm having difficulties turning around. I figured it would be harder at home because my family is just like 'Take your time' while in Auroville it was 'Let's go guys' after four hours of sleep.

Where to start. I'll recap Saturday on....

We, being Crystal, the guys, her friend from school Andrew, and myself, were all going to play ultimate yet no one really showed up. So we decided to make samosas instead. A samosa is a deep fried triangular pocket filled with cooked potatoes, carrots, peas, onions, herbs, and spices. Tasty little buggers. It took quite some time to make them but they were defiantly worth it. I helped chop the veggies and roll out the dough to make the pocket. The last day I think I alone gain 10 pounds because my meals were as followed: chocolate, coconut and banana croissants for breakfast, then samosas for lunch along with chocolate and I skipped dinner because I was still full from all the fried food.

I took one last walk around the field out behind the guest house with Nandhu. We talked about what it was going to be like for me to come home. Then at around 7:15 PM it was time to load up the bus. I didn't become an emotional wreck until I came to Crystal, who was my roommate at CGH. I completely broke down -- not 100% why other than the fact that the end had finally come. I teared up when I hugged the guys as well. A chapter of my life had just closed....without me really wanting it to.

From all the emotional and physical stress/exhaustion I slept most of the bus ride to Chennai. Once on the plane to Frankfort, Laura and I were able to sit next to each other. We both crashed though. By the time I was in Frankfort I was somewhat rested and we had beers for Nealy's 21st birthday. My plane was before many of the other peoples so I did another round of good-byes, this time without the water works. The Chicago flight was uncomfortable. I wanted to sleep but couldn't find a position that worked. When I landed in Chicago I actually had no idea we had touched down other than the fact I felt the wheels hit. When I looked out the window all I saw was snow, wind, and very little visibility. It actually looked like Antarctica.

Chicago was a MAD HOUSE. Flights being cancelled left and right, including mine to Louisville. I had a small break down because I just wanted to get home. It looked as though I would be spending the next in the airport when I found a flight to Lexington. I made sure there were seats, called my dad to see if he would pick me up, and I finally was on my last plane at 7:30 PM. We got stuck on the runway for quite some time but I was in and out of sleep so I really didn't notice. I finally touched down around 10 PM and was in my house a little after 11 PM. I was happy to see everyone but all I really wanted was my bed. Jordan and I went to sleep and I didn't get up until noon the next day. I feel back asleep at 3 until 5, when Jordan left. I still haven't been sleeping very well but I am slowly making the switch.

I have been an emotional train wreck since I have arrived home. I’m basically crying at the drop of a hat. I'm not really sure why -- I assume it's all the emotions and stress that come with coming home. I have a lot to deal with on my plate, more than I think is fair. I know I am strong enough to deal with them it's just actually facing those daemons. I'm scared, upset, and worried about facing them but I can't put them off. I wish I had Laura to talk to yet she is up in Mass. I know I can do it on my own but I have a hard time believing it at times. Christmas is tomorrow yet I feel little of the cheer. I just wonder how long it's going to take me to get into some sort of 'normal' state. I know I have changed a lot and I don't know how to express this to others. I'm confused too because I know I have changed yet I feel like I have to turn back into what I use to be. That is impossible though. I'm just as lost as I was in my last blog, just now I am home not half way around the world.

Confession

I suppose I need to admit something. As Saturday draws closer and closer I am becoming more and more nervous. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave. I know a few posts ago I was ready but I'm not so sure anymore. In the last few days I have being spending more time out in actual India and I love it. Not saying that I would want to live here, way to hot for me, but I am almost 100% sure I'll come back. Now I won't be coming back for Auroville...just the relationship I have developed with India. I really can't believe this is how I am feeling now. Myabe I am trying to escape my responsibilities that are waiting for me at home. I don't know but there is a strong desire to stay here longer. I am worried that I'm going to become unhappy once I'm home because I'll be 'homesick' for India. At night I think about what it's going to be like at home and shutter. True I don't really know but I have a pretty good idea and I'm not sure I like what I'm seeing.

I'm an adult however and cannot run away from my responsibilities....or life itself. Or can I? This question has been floating around in my head the past few days. I know it's wrong but I can't help but wonder. Now that I have had a taste of travel I am hungry for more. It's almost as though I feel like I'm slowly being crushed by a boa when I think about actually having to deal with real life again. I just want to be free....which is too much to ask it seems. During my community stay I was able to get out everyday and not worry about anything. I didn't have to be at a meeting or worry about dealing with female drama, I just got to live in India. Now back at CGH I'm tied again, on the plane I'm tied, and home I'll be strapped down as if I have a straight jacket on. I know all this imagery is harsh.....but I know it's true. I have been having a hard time acknowledging these facts to myself, but after talking to some people and admitting it out loud I know it's fact. Argh! I'm a month shy of 23 and currently life is very difficult and I don't see it getting any easier anytime soon.

I'm somewhat confused as to the feelings that I'm having. Are they normal for my age? Am I just going crazy? Whom do I talk to about these things? I know I won't always have answers and I love the unknown but some of these feelings I want to be explained. Life is a true challenge and I don't think I learned that until now. What sacrifices do I have to make? What will I gain from doing this or that? At some point I have to stop making lists, stop looking at all the options, just stop....and do. But what to do? These are my struggles and I am constantly feeling their burden. I want to be free of them, soar on the wind with the birds, but I am grounded, unable to make decisions. I don't think I can say much more, all that is left is more of the same....no need to keep beating the dead horse. I upset I have these feelings, but I have them for a reason right? With that I go.....still walking in the darkness, no light to drift toward.

7 days to go...

I really don't have anything new to post but I need a distraction from my paper for awhile. I have been up since five, it's now 10:45. It's break time. We move back into College Guest House tomorrow so I will finally be able to escape from here. I feel really bad about not enjoying my time here but I just haven't been comfortable, or feel very welcome. Don't get me wrong the people are nice, but they don't always seem pleased that we have entered their space. Yep....I'll be happy to leave tomorrow.

There is huge drama once again in the community ever though we are not together. Information that individuals wanted to keep secret has been passed along and has now gotten to our mentors. Hopefully nothing bad will actually happen but with the track record we have....I am a bit worried. While I am looking forward to going back to CGH I don't want to be part of the community anymore. In the past 2 days I have lost all trust in talking to any of the girls. (I am one of the people who have information that didn't need to spread around.) I know gossip happens, and epically with 12 girls....I know that. But I thought the people I talked to were not like that. I have been in close contact with them over the past 4 months that I thought I knew them....I suppose I was wrong. So I am currently very careful with my words, who is around when I talk, and anything I don't know certain people to know I don't say. I am really upset that I am doing this but I don't see another way. This next week is going to be packed with closing semester events but I still have to live with them again. I believe it's going to be difficult to dive and weave my conversations.....I have a feeling I'll just not be speaking much to anyone over the next week. Which is really sad since this is the last little bit of time I have with these people, or at least the ones I enjoy.

I don't really have anything like I said....just killing time. It is raining once again. It has been nice for the past few days but for some reason today it's cloudy. I am suppose to help Nanda and Raja take pictures of their work in order to make a portfolio. They have been doing tin, aluminum, copper, and steel roof construction. Now they are looking to work elsewhere because their current boss doesn't pay them enough. It's rather upsetting how little the local people are paid....completly taken advantage of. They are actually hoping to come to the States and do roofing work for some time that's why I'm trying to help them create this portfolio. I've seen some pictures and they do a good job. Most of the roofs look a lot like my grandparents cabin's roof. I hope they are able to make it to the States but it costs a lot for them to get there, not to mention living expences once they are there. We will see though.

I'll leave now.....and try to be more productive on my paper.

Crunch Time

The day when we leave keeps drawing closer and closer, I still don't think I have realized that I've been in India for the past three months. With the semester drawing to a close we are slowly wrapping things up in the academic department. I have one final paper due soon, the draft is due tomorrow. I'll admit I haven't started yet, I don't even have a topic. Here is why...even though I suppose excuses shouldn't be a vaild reason.

My main reason for coming on this program was for the solo. The solo was finished probably over two weeks ago...I am slowly losing track of time other than the fact I leave soon. Everything had been leading up to the solo and now that it's done I am too. I am completely over doing anything academic or any person reflection. I think if I have to self reflect one more time I will explode. I have been looking at myself for so long, since May of this year, that my last two weeks here I don't want to be productive. I want to be free and explore everything I haven't gotten to experience yet. I deserve a break. I'm in India and yet know so little about it because of the giant bubble called Auroville which I live in. It makes to so upset that I cannot eat Indian food. I'M IN INDIA AND I'M NOT EATING THEIR FOOD!!??? I am so frustrated with the western individuals I am forced to be with everyday. My community stay is a prison. I feel so trapped, my wings have been clipped so I cannot soar.

I am escaping every night back to College Guest House, where I lived the first two in a half months, to talk and play games with the night watchmen. They are my only connection to India in this messed up place. I love spending time with them and will miss them a lot once I return home. Some of the girls in my group cannot understand why I am always there, I cannot understand why they want to lay here all day? I have done my duty to the program and to the academics -- I want a break now.

I will say that by being in community stay I have had the most freedom. I am able to do whatever I want whenever I want -- this does not mean that I do but I have the ability. The ball and chain that has been shacked on my ankle since I have been here has been released. Do I know how to walk without it? I am slowly testing the waters and coming into my own again. But next Sunday I become shacked again this time only for a week, then I'm free once I'm on the plane home. What are my chains at home? I haven't thought about that yet. I am free of school now, until I decide I want to attend grad school. I have many monetary obligations, non of which I want to think about. Did I put the chains there myself....or were they forced on me? Are there invisible ones I don't know about? How can I break them? Do I want to break them?

Rain falling,
clouds pouring into the already damp earth
Nature creating it's own music
that slowly rocks me to sleep
Water purifies, water is a mirror
Mirrors that bend and ripple
what time is it?
what reality is it?
Setting listening I understand so little
the music falls on deaf ears...
when will I hear again?

India News

Everyone seems to be hearing more information about what is happening in India than I am. After the attacks on Mumbai I understand everyone's concern. I too am actually starting to wonder what is happening and what I should be doing. Auroville is such a bubble that little information from the outside world ever enters. Currently we, as a group, are in different communities around Auroville. I am in one that has four other girls from my group and one guy and one girl from the other cohort. The seven of us pass along whatever information we do know, but it's so little and usually we never hear anything. We also hardly see any of the faculty during these two in a half weeks while in the communities. The news usually cme from them but now it's not that we don't have contact we just don't see them.

I assume that Auroville is pretty safe because we are pretty far south and the largest city is Pondi that's twenty minutes away. I don't really know how safe Pondi is, it hasn't been on any of the US Government e mails I've been getting...so I guess it's fine. Then on the flip side it seems like the terrorists are attacking 'Westerners'. This place was established by a French woman and the majority of the people here are foriegn. I'm sort of just at a loss of what to think....or do. I have no clue what the Living Routes office back in the States is thinking. I guess they are watching what is happening and will make the choice to pull us out if it really does get bad.

The lastest e mail I recieved from the government had the usual warnings of be safe while traveling but it also said attacks might happed December 4th-6th. My flight is a few weeks off so perhaps it will be better by then, but who really knows right? I have been running around with some of the local Tamil guys and one of them thinks civil war is knocking pretty hard on their door. I think he's right. But again we really don't know what is going to happen so I shouldn't worry about it. I suppose I'm just ready to go home and getting antsy.

As far as the rest of life is concerned I'm doing ok. I don't want to try and cram in all that we have done in the past month into one blog so I'll do it slowly over the next few weeks. At the moment I feel very trapped. I am in this community, that I picked, but I feel that I made the wrong choice. I had first chosen this place because it's quite and I could self refect on what I have done so far this semester. But I have done so much self reflection that now I need fun. I need to excape all this New Age, let's constaly look at ourselfs attitude and run free. I live in a small room that looks a lot like a nun cell in a monastary. That room doesn't help because I end up feeling like a caged bird. I have been getting out more over the oast two days but it still isn't enough. I think it's the place itself that is bring me down. It is a beautiful place...but it's not what I need right now.

I also think a part of it has to do with the fact that I feel as though I'm 'done' even though I still have two weeks of the program left. My main reason for coming was for the solo, which is now done. I am also doing nothing in my community so I end up just sitting around thinking about home, usually. So I am ready to go home yet amd stuck here. I know I shouldn't think so negativily about it but that's how I feel right now.

As far as the solo is concerned I went into it without any intensions. I wanted to see what would come up on its own. We had the choice of doing with 40 hours or 60, I chose the 60. I had a conversation with my boyfriend the first night out loud to myself which allowed me to settle a lot of issue I was having. The next full day I didn't do much because it was so hot on the rocks. I meditated for the morning and then from 11 until 4 I laid in my cave to stay out of the sun. When I came out to watch the sunset I started to question why I was doing 60 hours when I knew all well and good that 40 was enough. Over the summer I came to terms with many of the deamons I had. For the solo, and the past 3 months, those things I learned have been challenged. I didn't need another day to understand that. I then started to cry because I realized the reason I was staying and was amashmed of it.

I have a very competitive nature and I have started to identify myself to that, probably not the best thing. Being competitive can be a good thing but at times it can be damaging. I figured out the only reason I was doing 60 was so that I could 'be a bad ass.' I felt so bad because I knew other people actually needed that time in order to find themselves. I was taking that away from them without their knowledge. I then decided not to do the 60 hours and to come down after 40. I also made a pact with myself to try and not be as competitive....or at least in certain situations understand that I'm doing it and step back. I think I'm doing ok so far. This is something that I am never going to get rid of though. I guess it's not who I actually am but it is so much a part of me....it's what drives me at times and I love it. It might be a bad addiction but I see it as part of my being....something I've always had and I wouldn't be me without it.

It actually was good that I came down the next day because that night I got an awful headache from not eating. If I had been able to walk I would have gone down. I actually tried at one point but only made it about 20 feet from my cave before I collapsed. I laid there a while then dragged myself back to my cave. I took my migraine medication but I think it might have made it worse. I didn't sleep that night, I just kept clawing out of my cave looking for the sun to rise. It was a meaningful experience that I would like to do again some day, perhaps at another turning point in my life. I also believe that everyone should try it. You really learn a lot about what you can do and who you are....and it stays with you forever.

I'll close with a little bad news. It seems like another cyclone is heading this way. I don't know how large it is compared to the other one but the first one lasted nearly a week. I must say I like being dry and not having all my clothes mold. I'm going to have to leave about half my clothes here because they are covered in mold. But that's India. We have made the joke that India teaches you how to survive.....that is 100% true.

Wild and crazy times

The past weeks has been the craziest time every. I don't have a lot of time to go into detail but lets just say a cyclone hit Auroville a few days before we came back from Hampi and stayed. It set up camp and high winds and heavy rains poured down on Auroville...and College Guest House in particular. I think we were actually hit the hardest. Out of all the trees on the property I would say a third to half of them fell down. I loved the energy that it created. I loved seeing the trees fall and while I know it's sad to witness something that powerful is amazing. The storm last nearly a week yet we only have 3 days of it. We were forced out of College Guest House because of the dangerous conditions. Community stays started last Friday yet I am not really settling into mine well.

I though I would need down time to look over the work I had done so I picked the most quite of all the stays. Yet it has been the opposite. I had a lot of time to myself while traveling and now and ready to go out and have fun in my last two weeks. I think the storm also brought out a lot of this energy. But I have been really restless in my community.

On the flip side, the traveling was amazing. We got to experience they craziness of Bangalore and even went into the shopping mall, whoo buddy was that weird. Hampi was gorgeous. That's the only word I have for it. I watched the stars at night and the sun rise and set. But the most wonderful sunset so far was at Fireflies, which is a non-secular ashram outside of Bangalore. I didn't have my camera with me that night but all colors of the rainbow appeared in the sky. I doubt that I will ever see another one that beautiful.

I am sorry it has taken so long to blog but with such limited connections, us traveling, and then the cyclone which knocked out power for awhile...it has been difficult to find working e mail. I'm going to try and keep things more up-to-date over the last two in a half weeks, yes only two in a half weeks. That's so crazy...time has really flown by.

I'll admit I'm ready to head home. I don't want to say that I'm homesick...I just feel like I have done everything I came here to do and I'm just ready to head home. I think most of us actually feel the same and are ready to hop on that plane. The closer it gets the more ready we are. I'll sign off for now leaving a picture of one of my sunsets. I will later try to post images of the fallen trees in College Guest House.

The day has come

The day has come....
The time has come....

Tomorrow morning we set off on our 3 week long tour of India. During this time will will be staying a four different places but the final place is where our forty hour solo is. I have been exited about this solo from the moment I read about the program sometime last fall. I am not sure what to expect but the unexpected. I am going to be open to whatever wants to talk to me, use me, guide me, open me. I am a sponge, fill me with knowledge. I cannot become frustrated if nothing happens, stay calm and when something is ready it will come. I am tingling with excitement that can hardly be contained.

The day has come....
The time has come....
.....I am ready.

Tying lose ends

I will first start out with the bad news. Last Thursday I received an e mail from the president of UK saying that a dummy of Obama had been found hung from a tree. I could not believe what I was reading. How could someone my age, at my university do such a stupid inconsiderate racist act? Are we really still that backwards? I became really upset to the point that I was shaking with rage. I tried to call Jordan to talk to someone who could relate to the issue but he didn't pick up his phone. I journaled instead questioning how could the United States ever change if we cannot even get past issues concerning race? I am the only person from my group that is from "The South" everyone else is from New England. I don't want to say there are not backward people up north but nothing like what I have seen in the south. I really needed someone who could understand how ridiculous things could really get and relate to how awful of a situation this particular incident was. That night I basically lost all faith and respect for people in Kentucky. I know that I should not generalize but Kentucky is red and only a few counties go blue. It is almost as though my vote doesn't even count. How do you get suck bone headed people to change? I thought my generation was doing well and we had surpassed many of these racial issues --but that seems false. The next day I received another e mail saying they had caught the two guys, one was a UK student while the other one had no affiliation with the university. Because of student confidentiality policy I won't hear anything else about the trial, yet if I was in Lexington I would probably be able to read something in the newspaper. There will also be consequences from the university not just Fayette County. So about two hours after I found this news out we were having our usual community meeting. There has been a lot of tension in the community that had been building for quite some time. Well that night a lot of it was released. I personally had a blow up and a melt down. Being as upset as I was I didn't hold back anything that I had been thinking or feeling since I had been here. One of my biggest problems is finding the line that separate being a helpful friend or being a mother. We are all between the ages of 20-23, we should be able to get ourselves out of bed, wash our own dishes and pick up after ourselves. I do not need to tell you this you should be responsible enough to do it on your own. I later just had a complete breakdown and cried my eyes out which was a good release. Every few months I need a good cry to get out all of the frustration or tension that had been building up. After the meeting I felt a lot lighter and while we will not change over night I think change will slowly happen. We leave on our month long trip this coming Friday so hopefully attitudes will change or else it will be hell for everyone. That's one issue with community...when some has an issue with someone else it runs though everyone, no one is safe from the fire. That is something I have had to deal with more than I would like to admit. On a more positive note, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I know it's a few days late but we had a party on Saturday night which was quite the hit. Laura and I decorated with ghosts, made a graveyard, spider webs and spiders, and lots of paper candle holders. The best part I think was the watermelon carving. Yes I did say watermelon. There are pumpkins here, yet it isn't the season for them. So the next best thing happened to be a watermelon. We did the same as a pumpkin, took out the top, hollowed out the center, and carved the face or whatever wanted to be craved. The great part was that we made watermelon juice out of the left over which was quite tasty. I happened to be a ninja this year because a lot of the girls say I look like one while I Tai Chi. Then one of the night watchman painted my face...which didn't make me look very ninja like but still a cool design. We had a huge sound system and probably around 50 people. It seems like we are the first group to do such a thing. We called the watermelon juice "blood" and made spaghetti which happened to be "brains." It was quite a fun night. Though I have to say my favorite part of the night was my walk with Nandha, the night watchman who I've formed a friendship with. He is my age and lives in one of the villages surrounding Auroville. He is quite at times but defiantly has times when he can talk for hours, which was what we did. We just sort of wandered off and touched on all sorts of subjects. I learned quite a bit about him and his village, such that up until about a year or two ago there were rival gangs that were killing the villagers. He saved two girls from dieing too. It was very powerful and moving to compare my life to his, all on my head of course, and how different it's been. I don't want to say his life has been harder because we have different cultures and countries but compared to mine I have been on auto pilot. I really respect him and he has so much potential in several areas but I don't know if he will actually get a chance to achieve any of them. He does seem to have the drive to but from example he wants to become a politician for his village yet only women can hold such a position. He says he could work through his wife but he doesn't want to married...that poses a problem. He also has expressed interest in becoming a Yogi which I find fascinating...to have that much devotion to something would be a wonderful fulfilling thing to have. I keep telling him he has to come visit me, but that is another thing that he may or may not be able to ever accomplish. He wants to see Switzerland, snow, and go sledding. Part of me wants to help him achieve his goals but I don't think I have that kind of power. He is an amazing artist as well. Every so often we trade back and forth drawing different images and his are about 1000 times better than mine. Though I will say my portrait of him, other than the fact I didn't make his head quite long enough, was spot on. He has yet to draw me. I'm starting to dread going home in a way because I have become so comfortable here. I see this as my home right now, and I do want to see my family as well as Jordan I've just become so accustom to living here that I can't image what life is going to be like I go back to the States. And with such a turning point happening with the election tomorrow who knows what life will be like when I return. I have formed some friendships that I don't see how I'm going to live without. I guess without is the wrong word but they will not be 30 feet from me so if I needed to talk. Life is going to be different in so many ways, more than I know now. I can't dwell on it because I still am only half way through here but it seems to always sit in the back of my mind heavy, waiting for a chance to come forward. I suppose that's enough for now. As I said we leave for Bangalore and Hampi this Friday and will be gone till the end of the month. I am really looking forward to these travels because the solo was one of the main reasons I chose this program. Till next time....

Sunny side up

First I would like to apologize because I haven't posted in quite some time. We traveled from October 15th until the 19th to Trichy and Tanjavoor and another place I can’t remember. Over the course of those few days, we saw a total of five different temples ranging from recently discovered and completely carved of stone to huge brightly colored over the top with gold domes. All of them were magical. I regret to say I won't have any pictures of them because cameras are not usually allowed and if they are they charge you for them.....sorry temple I am not going to pay you for my camera. I believe my favorite one was the one which is now under the protection of a NGO. While it is sad that this temple is under their control and isn't as available to the public much as some of the other ones we saw -- it was the most amazing. We descended down these slick stone steps into a foot of water pooled around the entrance. I do not believe this was on purpose, only because of the monsoon was it filled with water. But on second hand, it could be seen as a way to clean your feet before entering a holy place. Our teacher, Dr. V, actually helped excavate this particular temple until the NGO took over. (Dr. V is a professor of Art History and Archeology who came along with us to extend his knowledge of Indian temple culture.) You enter the temple through these large wooden doors and place your shoes to the left. As you put your shoes down and slowly stand up the main temple sits quietly, waiting for her followers to enter. We step down into the center area and gaze at this marvelous stone structure. Every inch of the temple is carved of stone, no flat surfaces anywhere and they all told different stories. Toward the back outside face of the temple you could even see some of the old paintings which had once covered the entire surface. Think of a rich red background complemented by greens and yellows all perfectly drawn to form different Gods and Goddesses. Not many were actually able to be seen because most had worn away with age, but they few that were left were stunning. While I don't enjoy ancient art as much as modern art, no one could look at this temple and not have a deep appreciation for it. After the trip, I was pretty exhausted and felt as though I needed a vacation after our vacation. We are all starting to have a lot of group issues. It might not be so much group issues as individuals having problems with others which then cross over into the whole group. The trip helped and hurt some of the current and now existing issues. I don't feel a need to go into these problems because they don't concern anything of importance to those reading. I personally, am starting to have issues with individuals. The biggest problem with this group is that we are all female and then feel like we all have to complain all the time. At nearly every point during the day someone is saying something negative about something, being the guest house, people, internet, food, you name it, and I have had enough. People should be THANKFUL for everything we have....but hardly anyone is. Here I am talking about people being negative and yet I am also doing it. That's the other thing -- it's like a disease that everyone is catching. Even the most positive people are becoming negative...but that is how group dynamics work. I am not sure that people know that, and I am not sure that the ones who are constantly negative even care. As awful as it sounds I feel like we have a lot of superficial people here and a lot of them don't care for the group as much as they should – they are one a ‘personal’ crusade (I use quotes because they are superficial people and I don’t believe that really want to even find their true self’s.). I am becoming sick of it....and am having problems staying positive even though I am perfectly happy with my life here. With all that, I think my immune system has been weakened – I have been somewhat under the weather the past two days. I won’t go into details, again not something you would really want to read, but I didn't leave bed for about a day in a half. Most of the girls have something similar or worse than what I had, which is nice in a way because then it's a lot quieter....but bad because everyone is ill. One of the girls from last semester, who now lives in Auroville now, came to talk to us the other day. Our month long trip is coming up on November 7th and we wanted to hear her take on it. She said everyone gets sick and to just expect it but that it is still an amazing experience. She wasn't able to do the solo because she was too sick but everyone in her group that was able to loved it. I really hope I am not sick for the solo because that is what I have been looking forward to the most. I am a little worried about fasting for 2 days because of my head – but I think it would be good to clean out all my toxins and bad energy so that I am able to come back a new person for the last few weeks and the community stay and, hopefully, really transform. On a personal note I have been dealing with an issue. I feel as though all the personal growth that I did over the summer, emotionally and being able to clear my head, has been tossed into the wind. I am not as bad as I use to be but I still am nothing like when I first arrived. I know I need to see this as a challenge, to apply these practices in a larger group setting and to really work on myself....but it's so hard. We have all talked about how what we are doing is nothing like what we expected (which is one problem because with having expectations) but that should be seen as a new challenge to turn what we are given into a memorable trip. So that is my biggest personal conflict – finding my current self in the teachings I've learned in the past, and apply what I'm learning. I am somewhat fearful that I won't be able to achieve such a high goal but I am keeping an open mind and am looking forward to living more in the moment. The week before we leave on our trip we have the choice of continuing our service learning or doing academic work in that time. I have chosen to dwell on my academics because I believe that I haven't been improving as much as I should have in the month in a half since we have been here. Time is ticking away and I have learned little next to nothing I feel, and while that may or may not be the case that is how I see it. How could I be in a different country and not learn? What am I missing out on? What am I not seeing? Everyday I do my daily routine but do I ever enjoy or truly learn from my day? No. But maybe it's not all about learning right now. The things I'm doing now will sink in at some point. It may not be till I'm back, which will be unfortunate, but I will not lose my moments here forever. I need to slow down, take a deep breath and say, 'I'm in India.' I don't do this enough. When I do however, my blood flows, my heart leaps, and my soul and mind turn into willing instruments to be played as the world sees fit. I am in India and I can enjoy myself. It is the choices I make that make or break my trip. While the choices may not always be correct they will in the end help me to because a better person and develop in ways I never knew possible. I am in India and I have a choice to develop myself in a positive, or negative way. I'm in India and am ready to start anew. I'm in India and have an open soul. I'm in India and have an open mind. I'm in India........what will come next?

Sunday in the cow field

I am just a few days shy of being here for one month. So much has happened and I have said so little. As I have said to family and friends, our internet connection here is so hit and miss I hardly check if it works. When it does everyone in my group is on and I usually just choose to read and not take part in the madness.

I had one of the better experiences since being here yesterday. One of our night watchmen plays cricket every Sunday so another girl and I decided to go check it out. The monsoon season started more or less yesterday morning so not many guys were out there - most of them figured since it rained a little no one would be playing. There was only a small group of guys and a few children running around as is slowly started to sprinkle again. I had brought a disk with me and she and I started throwing. One of the guys started taking pictures of us....but really is that any different than us taking pictures of them? I didn't feel threatened and there was no reason for me to yell at him - within 3 minutes he put his camera down.

After about 20 minutes one of the smaller children came over and stood within 20 feet of me. He wanted the disk. I tossed it to him and this huge grin went across his whole face. Within 5 minutes all the children and a few of the older guys were wanting to throw as well. (Now to have a sidebar for a moment. When I say older guys, I'm talking about late teens, 20's and probably some in their early 30's. As for the children however, they are small but I could not for the life of me make a guess that was close to there age. One boy looked like he was 13....he was 18! Some of the children were young, but I don't think any were under 7 years of age.) My favorite throw was when one of the older guys came over looking all macho. I throw the disk to him and it just hits him right in his chest...didn't put out his arms or anything. His whole crew started laughing and for the next half an hour, until they understood better what was going on, the peanut gallery hooted and howled at them.

The actual cricket game didn't start until about an hour after we had been there. The kids and I moved out of the field and I showed them how to flick and hammer. One little kid, probably 14 really, was really really good. He picked up the different throws really fast. His flick is amazing....much better than mine when I first started. I turned back and forth between tossing and watching the game. I tried to learn their names but being a different language it was difficult for me to remember them all. I don't speak much Tamil and they just had a little English. But this was an activity that didn't require language and it was wonderful just to spend time with the local people.

After about 2 hours the little kids ran off and a few of the older ones started to teach me how to bat. That bat would really knock someone out. I have blisters on my hand and I can hardly lift my arms above my head today. It was great when I did make contact with the ball they were in awe that a girl could hit like that. Now they were not doing the running start, but the ball wasn't slow either, and I wasn't on the real field - but still, I did well. I hit probably for 45 minutes or more, my arms were done and I just sat down to watch the real game going on.

It was nice because they were not focused on me. Most of the time when I go out I am the focus of everyone attention because I'm American. But they were into their game and I could just there and be. Other than that guy the first few minutes while we were there their attention wasn't on us, unless I had the disk. The little kids asked my name and shortened it to 'Isa' and at one point they were calling me Big Sister. While I was batting and when the really game took a break I knew they were talking about me because I heard my name....but had no idea what they were saying. Nanda is our watchman who plays so I asked him to find out what was being said....see if I am worthy to play with them in the future.

I had such a refreshing day to be with the locals, on their turf, and able to interact with them without loads of attention or intentions or just being looked at constantly. I have gotten use to it and it doesn't bother me yet some of the other girls don't like it...which I understand. But I was more myself yesterday than I have been with my 'community' for the past month. Ultimate is something that I love and I was extatctic that I got to share it with them. They asked if I was coming the following week, but we will be traveling but I said I'd be there in two weeks. I am excited to teach them to play really ultimate and hope they will let me play cricket with them. Since I'm female I don't know if they will allow that but Nanda says I should be fine. I cannot wait!

In other news, as I said monsoon season started. The rain here is, no I should say the thunder here is amazing. I wanted to get my camera and take audio of it because it is some much different than anything I have heard at home. Here there is the rumble that we hear at home, but it lasts throughout the entire 'thunder' as it were. Then towards the end there are loud booms, that sound like a cannon is going off. At home it's more of a crack noise that sounds like the sky is splitting but here it's such a beautiful sound. I should have plenty of chances to let everyone hear it...so hopefully the next time I post I can have some wonderful thunder for you.

I think I'll leave it there for the moment. Personally I am doing fine. I haven't had any revelations or awe inspiring moments to write down....they will come eventually.

Personal Struggle

My latest issue...other than my 'n' key sticking which makes it difficult to type at times...is that fact that I feel somewhat alone in my pilgrimage. A few nights ago I had a small episode where I got upset about what is currently happening in the States. (Let me just say I like the fact that I can say 'the States.') Power was out was out once again, as it usually is, when one of the other girls came in to say that Wall Street had just had crashed. Now I still have not actually looked up this information -- but I know that the issue isn't good nor is it very promising for when I return home. A flood of emotions over came me and I became very upset...all of this was happening while I was listening to The Power of Now which at that point Tolle was saying don't dwell on the emotions for that gives them and the mind more power. So I was sitting there freaking out to some extent while at the same time I was trying to not dwell on any of the feelings I was having. I did struggle back and forth and finally I had to turn him off and write out my feelings.

I opened with being upset and who those feelings were directed too. First I am worried about my parents because this trip wasn't cheap and while I know it's a once-in-a-life-time chance I feel a little responsible if they did have money issues. I have been on my own for some time and while at times I have been given some of their money, along with other family members, I feel awkward in using their money. Then I started thinking about Jordan, my boyfriend. I don't believe the school would take away his aid at all but I worry about our house. A lot of the homes being closed are on college students who's landlords cannot afford the mortgage on the property. I'm worried that when I return home I won't have a house...and I worry about him because he doesn't need to worry about such things while dealing with grad school. His education is much more important and I suppose I'm not there to be the worrier.

BUT......there is nothing I can do about because I am in India!!!!! So I need a very large chill pill.....which I have taken and am in the process of digesting.

On to another topic....there has been quite a bit of drama in this wonderful paradise. I don't really want to go into details but I am getting very frustrated. I then wrote this in my journal: When you are going through deep emotional and egoic changes how do you connect with people who all still believe what you now know to be false? I don't believe that I am above people in anyway I just feel I am on a different plane than them. I really want to talk about what the pre-semester readings touched on but we only talk about our life stories, which Tolle says isn't really who we are. We are not our past, nor our stories, nor our future.....we are the now and what we can be in the now. So on that plane I am presenting a false self to the group....but I cannot present my true self unless they are able to see the now. I'm struggling with applying his teachings in this environment. On the other hand it's actually a good practice because the majority of the world isn't at the stage I am. I can test out my new found knowledge in this smaller community and find ways of presenting it to a larger one.

I've also been working on not worrying what others think of me. I feel as though I am good at it however sometimes I cannot always put those thoughts aside. I'm directing this to Jordan at the moment. I believe that I am becoming a spiritual person, not to be confused with a religious person. It is something that has always been there but I have only now started to hear it and actually understand. I fear that Jordan will have conflict with this new side of me. That is actually my biggest fear upon my return.....that I will have changed so much that he no longer knows who I am or sees the old Alyssa he loves and started dating. Now I am not trying to say by any means this is what he will actually do....but it is my fear. He is also not at all close minded and I know with the majority of my being that this is false.....there is still that demon hiding behind my ear whispering the negative side of everything. But I am working on these things and I do feel as though I have made progress from even how I was at the start of this year.

My last note will be how awesome Tai Chi is. While I was expecting yoga when I arrived here I am really enjoying Tai Chi. It is such a graceful form and as I slowly move across the roof as the sun rises and the Matrimandir is to the south it is truly a jaw dropping moment. Tomorrow I will finally be able to post pictures. I am cheating right now by adding this one but my blog has been so naked that it needs a picture. But more will come in the future.

Blah time

I'm more or less in full swing here in Auroville however, I am having some issues. I have been feeling very numb over the past few days, which we actually talked about today and a few others are feeling the same way. Last night I was trying to figure out why I might be feeling like this. Here is what I have come up with. We have been doing a lot of getting-to-know-each-other activities and somewhat traveling around Auroville. I like this and I am happy to have the down time but I don't feel as though I am actually here. I am just waiting for it all to start. Once the academic section starts I have a feeling that I’ll be better. I came here ready to start learning – and I suppose that I am learning but not really from where I thought I would be. It’s time to get dirty and learn and challenge myself and so far all I’ve been doing is sitting and listening to lectures and feeling like I’m on a field trip. I should be appreciating the time I have now but I guess I am too focused on the future, or the hopes I had, to really enjoy the now. All of this goes against what I said several blogs ago that I’m going to live in the moment. It seems as though I am failing at this. How do I get out of this? I’m really lost. My mind is really blank but I can’t seem to enjoy the time I have here. Again it’s been 3 days but I’m really frustrated with this feeling. I know I need to just let it go and not worry but it’s a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. I really need to blog on the program site so I’ll leave this one here for now. My last thing before I go however is that I will be doing Tai Chi instead of yoga every morning – at 6:15 am. Holy Cow! So for the next 3 mornings I’m slowly going to get up earlier and earlier so I won’t be quite as dead come Monday morning.

Day one

Hello all once again. I am here and at the moment only have 30 minutes of battery power left so I won't write very much. It's pretty hot here and I'm sweating like crazy....but there is a nice breeze most of the time which I love. I won't be able to post pictures for about two weeks....so you all will have to bear with me. It's been a good experience so far, even if I have only been here a day in a half. I presented my life presentation today which seemed to go well. I had better run...I'll try and wrote more later.

Feeling Calm

Now only two days away from flying to India, I feel calm. Usually in situations like this, I feel stressed and worried and a number of other emotions that make very unsettled. Yet right now I am not particularly excited, not upset either, I'm not a basket case -- I'm just calm. I know come Saturday morning my stomach will hit the floor. I don't seem to get 'butterflies,' my stomach feels more as though it's laying on the floor and I'm having to drag it everywhere. That feeling will come, just as it did when I left Jordan in South Bend and it every time I think about Saturday morning. But I am not worried about this feeling because I know it will be there and I have come to terms with that. My body seems to know that change is happening and it's nerves, like the first day of school. This is something that is really hard to describe and I'm not sure everyone can understand why I'm not freaking out. I feel more open and accepting about what might/will come and that allows me to release my usual feelings of stress. And let me say I am happy to get rid of stress.

I have my suitcase packed and it's weighing in at 39 pounds -- I'm allowed 44. I have everything I need in there and probably a little more but I tried very hard not to over pack. I remember when I went to Quito I lugged my largest suitcase and tossed in half my clothes. I was there for a week in a half. That was such a bad choice but I have learned from that and I believe I've done a good job this time. My carry-on weighs 16 and I'm allowed 17 so I'm cutting that one close. But I put my really important information in there along with a change of clothes so if something does happen to my suitcase I won't be completely up the creek. I have also decided to take my laptop. Since I have an obligation to my program in keeping my blog and while Auroville does have computers it isn't always feasible that one will get one. So in light of these possible foreseeable issues I felt it best just to take my computer. I will have a small load to lug around but once I'm there I can unpack the majority of these possessions and leave them in one location.

In the last few days I have been finishing up homework, packing, and getting all my ducks in a row. The homework has been going well. I have finally nailed down my presentation on passion. I'm actually rather proud of the presentation and I hope others will enjoy it as well. I learned a lot from the research I did and it settled many of issues I was having. I think the biggest thing I learned is that ones passion comes to you not from you. After getting a response back from one of my instructors in India about my problems with the assignment, he wanted me to question if this was an important issue in my life. I have discovered that the passion itself isn't important to me at the moment -- and I'm not sure if it will be once it comes to me. What is important is being open and listening so when it does come I will be able to receive it. So my challenge to myself over these next 3 months is learning to be open and receive whatever might come into me. I also need to be aware that it will take some time to learn these skills and not to become frustrated when I don't hear anything -- it will come.

My reading assignments are done along with the journal entries yet now I'm having issues with my personal life presentation. I sat down the other day and wrote from the time I entered Chamber Singers in the fall of 2001 until the present moment the major events that happened in my life. In the past 7 years there has been quite a few life altering moments, from becoming part of Chamber Singers to running away from home, meeting Jordan to making the choice to move to South Bend. There are so many changes that have happened that I cannot fit them into a 5-10 minute presentation. Today I am going to tackle and finish this assignment and create my visual...still not sure what to do with it either. But I need to keep a clear mind and what needs to come will come.

The last thing I want to touch on is the series Oprah did with Eckhart Tolle and his latest book, A New Earth. I have not read the book but I don't think the discussions they are having necessarily require reading the book. Once I return, I do intend to read it but in terms of understanding what is being discussed the book isn't necessarily relevant -- for me anyway. I have only watched the first two so far but they are really something else. I have thought in the past that people really cannot change in order to save the planet -- yet here are millions of people around the world that have felt this shift within themselves -- that something else is alive inside and are trying to bring that forth. That gives me hope that we can be the ones to change the planet and make it a better place for ourselves and future generations. I only want to touch on one or two things, but there are so many more that I welcome anyone who wants to know more to read the book and/or watch the web videos.

The second class was on the ego. We all have one but very few of use do not indulge it....me included. I finally made the connection in the film Spirited Away when a big blog comes in and starts eating everything -- he was a physical representation of the ego. I guess I 'got it' when I watched the film but I didn't really understand it until yesterday afternoon. My dad asked what represented ego in Howl's Moving Castle? (both of these film are by Hayao Miyazaki) The castle itself was the ego. What I found the most interesting is that the ego cannot survive in the now or the present. It thrives on the past and future, but here is the kicker...we are only ever in the now. It sounds stupid to say because 'Duh...of course we are in the present' but how many people really understand that? It was like me with the ego and Miyazaki's films...I 'got it' but didn't understand it. Say you want to enjoy a new bike so your dreaming about it but when you actually get the bike that happens in the present...so we really only live in the present. The future becomes the present at some point. True, you can enjoy past memories but you are doing that in the present too. So when someone says that an individual is living in the past or future they are living with their ego more than the now. I believe it was my last entry when I decided to live in the now because it was silly to dwell on past and future problems when I can be perfectly happy with the moment I'm in right now....is exactly what Tolle says! (A little mind blowing.) I feel like I am on the right track. Not only do I plan on listening for whatever wants to come to me, I need to work on living in the moment...both goals over the next few months and I feel as though they are within my reach.

Well I have written quite the epic story today. I'll end on those hopeful notes and the next time I'll write I will hopefully be in India!

It is now September 1st and I'm days away from being in India. I am excited, ready to head out into a new adventure but I've been down the past few weeks. Why, one might ask, was I down when I am going to possibly one of the most beautiful places on Earth? Let me explain. My boyfriend was accepted by Notre Dame into their philosophy Ph.D. program. A little over two weeks ago we drove all our belonging up to South Bend, IN to our new home. I made the decision awhile ago to join him there once I'm done with my undergrad -- basically once I'm back from India. I stayed there for two weeks which was long enough for me to start questioning what I did....or are going to do....all my stuff is there so it's a did. Anyway, I started to feel very lost and questioning why I was there. I love him very much, we fit together well, and I believe we will marry some day.....but I wasn't questioning any of those feelings. He is doing something with his life while I just followed him up there. I have never been the girl to follow a guy, or at least I thought. I am just kind of floating along lost in a sea of nothingness.

We have been apart the entire summer as well and I wont see him again until sometime in January. In our nearly 3 year relationship, we have only been apart for maybe 2 weeks at a time -- we have been living with each other for almost 2 years. This is going to be a true test of feelings for each other and find out if what we have is what we want. Which I do believe is a good thing, even though I might hate it. But since January we have been talking about the 9 months we will be without each other. True we have seen each other here and there but overall its a hell of a long time to be apart. Last week I came to a realization that I need to stop thinking so much about the future. I was home alone, he was in class, and I had been in a funk the whole time I was there --wasn't really sure why. I sat down and started writing and I wrote something that shocked me. It basically was along the lines of your life is ending until you're back in South Bend. My jaw dropped and I put down my pen. Was that really what I believed? I am going to India....INDIA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD......and my life is ending? I love him very much but to say I'm dead without him was an eyeopener. I then proceeded to give myself a pep talk that none of that was true. While I have read it, hear it from others, seen it on TV shows like Oprah, it didn't really hit me until then that I probably live my life in the future more than I should. I am missing everything that is happening around me and I should be thankful for what I have now, not what I might have or gain in the coming years. So after being a sour puss for a week in a half I decided those last 2 days I wasn't going to think about the tomorrow but only about the now....and maybe a few hours head. I have since tired to living in the moment, but wooh buddy is it hard. Right now it is difficult because in two weeks I will actually BE in India....who can not think about that?! I also just feel so distant from home life that it's hard not to think about being in South Bend or India or just somewhere else. But I am trying and that is about all I can do. I wonder how many people can say they appreciate where they are at any given moment? I know certain circumstances such as death of a loved one or no longer having a home due to a natural disaster wouldn't be happy moments, but just your run-of-the-mill city goer who is right there right now? I would suspect very few because of the countless things we have to do. Do we really have to do them? What can we give up or do less of? I'm going to try and living in the moment as best I can. Most of the time it takes a near death experience for someone to truly live in the moment but I'd rather not experience that. I actually believe that I on some level the realization I had was from a near-death-experience. I actually thought my life was over until I returned to South Bend. By saying, "I wish these 4 months would pass so I can get on with my life." is close enough for me. It is now time to live in the moment. Anyone who reads this I hope will challenge themselves to do the same. I think we all would become happier people and not dwell on the negatives as much, which I do a lot. I have to say I don't think it will be hard in India, other than looking forward to seeing my boyfriend again, because it's going to be such a new and different experience than any I have ever had before. But the two weeks before will be challenging. So wish me luck......it's going to be a long, winding, thought provoking road.

Round Two

The time is drawing near for my Blessing Party however, there have been quite a few hiccups in the past few days that have changed our plans. Due to several family illnesses, non of them being life threating, we are no longer meeting at my grandparent's cabin. Above is an image of one of trees located to the West side of the cabin. I love this tree because it is rather symmetrical, forming a kite-like shape that isn't fully completed on the lower right side. But every sunset seems perfect with this tree soaking in the last few rays of light. I will miss this view this coming weekend. With the plans now changed, it's now turned into more of a grandparents send off than anything else, which isn't bad by any means.

I have secured some more of my "Need List" items for India -- including a headlamp which I have to say is pretty damn awesome. It not only has it's three LED lights for reading and normal working activities but also this spot light which will come in very hand while riding a bike in the dark. I also have received conformation that my Visa has been approved and my passport is on it's way back to me. I just have a few items left to hunt down and with a month in a half left I should have no problem getting them.

In saying that I have a month in a half left a few days ago I received my pre-arrival assignments for India. There is quite a bit of work and while most of it I'm not worried about there is one in particular that is going to give me a lot of trouble...it already is actually. But the assignments are as follows: several reading assignments, 3 essays and half of the book You Are Therefore I Am, several journal entries one of them reflecting on the readings, and two presentations, one about your life journey so far (a get-to-know-each other presentation) and the second is what they have called a "personal passion presentation" which basically entails a personal passion that you are deeply interested in and which relates to environmental, cultural, or inner sustainability. Oh hell! was my first reaction. Passion is such a strong word and I feel sort of left behind that I'm not sure if I have one right now....or at least one that applies. I love ultimate and I might even consider it a passion since I'm trying to work on my game, but it doesn't fit the mold for India. I showed my dad the assignments and told him I was worried about this one. He pointed out that you can't do something you don't have...or for that matter explain it. I'm also rather intimidated by some of the fellow travelers because from their short bios many of them seem to have some sort of passion. MSN's Encarta has five definitions of it, the top ones being: "1) intense overpowering emotion such as love, joy, anger, or hate. 2) strong sexual desire and excitement. 3) a strong liking or enthusiasm for a subject or activity." With those in mind I'm guessing we should be directed toward number 3. I feel very lost now. To think that I don't have a 'passion' is rather bothersome. I again would like to blame the word because passion to me would be something that fulfills a deep craving that I have.....and I don't think I have a hole that needs filling right now. Liking and enthusiasm don't fit for me when describing passion. Both of them, an passion as well, create feelings but passion (as I'm indicating my meaning by using italics) has something deeper, something that runs through the core of your being, in your bone marrow....something that is actually physical that you can feel pulsing like blood through your body -- not just an emotion. See I think if they had used 'like' or 'enjoy' I would have no problem coming up with something.....but I don't have a passion at the moment. To speak my mind, I think the majority of people don't have a passion or they think they do and are confusing it with 'like' or 'enjoy.' We 'like' and 'enjoy' so many different things in this world and that's a good thing because we can then experience many different emotions/things, but are we lost without a passion? To think that great inventors and doctors would not have made their discoveries without a passion for what they do a little overwhelming. Maybe I am reading way to into this, but that is how my brain is processing the word and I am not going to be able to push that aside. While the other assignments might take me two weeks at most to complete, this one may not be done by the time I leave on September 13th. I don't want to have to settle with one of my 'likes' just to complete the assignment. I'm traveling not only to finish my undergrad but to see where I am at in life and evaluate myself, hints why I chose the program I did. I'm at a turning point in my life and it's time to do some soul (and passion) searching.

Picture

So I wanted to attach this to one of my other posts.....however not only do I not know how to do that, I don't think that I can. With saying that, I will now just add the picture here. This is the invitation I sent out to my family and friends for the Blessing Party. I used a potato to cut out India as best I could, I thought I did a fine job if I say so myself. However, as I went to make my first stamp I realized that the images on the paper would be backwards of the original. Duh! So I got slightly frustrated ad started cutting another potato but then realized I got lucky because of how well I cut the first one. So I did some more cutting until I had just the shape of India in my hand which was no longer attached to the potato. I had dyed my paper in green tea which created a pleasant smell and allowed different free form water marks to dry on the paper, which I felt gave a nice homemade touch. I also tried to make a small dot (seen on the images where that purple line in pointing) on the south-eat coast to show people where I'm going -- I don't think that went over well, but no worries. So without further yacking here is the lovely spectacular image....(drum roll)....TA DA!

NEW CAMERA

I suppose I should say my first camera but YIPPIE, I have a camera now. At the moment I am working out all of it's functions so I can take wonderful, amazing, specular pictures. Probably over the next few days I will add some images. My dad has also made a suggestion that I divide my post up into categories: people, places, things, and I think I'll add an "other" slot. So I'm thinking I'll give that a shot as well. Short post but I thought it needed to be known that I have......A CAMERA!

Blessing Party

Over the past few days I have been working on my blessing party. A Blessing Party is a way to prepare for your adventures abroad. You invite family, friends, and other loved ones to celebrate your up coming experience. We are going to have the party down at Grandmommie's cabin and it should be a grand old time. As the hosts we re going to supply the meat, bread, drinks, and dessert...which we have decided to tackle the wonderful task of making home-made ice cream. Don't know what flavors yet but I don't believe it will matter to much because home-made (anything really) is excellent.

I also have been reading a persons blog from the Spring '07 group that went to India. Within the first few weeks they started talking about reducing their carbon footprint. Thy did some calculations and discovered that in order to off set the gas that was used for them to fly to India to have a life altering experience they would need to plant five trees, which is only one way. So for the round trip they, each, would need to plant 10 trees. That's a lot of trees, but then again our planet is in need of them. My dad came up with the idea of adding in my invitations a request for ever family of guests that comes to bring a tree to off set my admissions. Only problem is that August is prime tree planting time. So I trying to be creative an come up with other ideas of what people might could bring/do to help off set my travel pollution.

On a slightly more exciting note, I finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I hope along some lines that I have an experience like hers. She had quite the divine revelation while participating in her daily meditations. I think it would be wonderful to feel the things that she described. Part of her journey was to before more connected to God (she explains why she uses this word in her book, in short she is looking for the spiritual being within which she ends up calling God). I still really do not have any spiritual outlooks yet -- and I don't know if I am ready to experience some of the things she was describing. I ave a feeling that because I'm still young that I'm not really ready to have the real desire that some individuals have to link up with some spiritual being within themselves or elsewhere. I can't decide if I like that or not. I feel sort of out of place because my dad has been working on different spiritual journeys over the past few years and I feel like I should be with him -- but because of my age I just can't get there yet. It's rather frustrating actually. But one of the biggest things that Gilbert learned for her book was to put aside all thoughts and become, basically, happy. She was able to turn off her brain and let all the worry that creeps in lose....I want that! My brain must run ten miles a minute and sometimes it does affect my sleep and other parts of my life. I hoping while in India I can learn to control my thoughts and not be so hard on myself and not to worry. I have a feeling if I can achieve this I will feel upwards of a forty pound weight loss because these thoughts and feelings are so heavy. I considering trying to start now, before I go, and evolve even more while I'm there. I cannot wait for this experience because I can feel that it will be truly life changing.

Looking foward

So yesterday I decided to look into some information about where I will be traveling while in India. About half way through the semester we will be traveling to Ecodaya Island sanctuary. I was blow away by the images that are posted. I love the feel of all different kinds of rocks -- smooth, hard, and cool they have a calming effect on me. This sanctuary is a massive boulder field. As far as the eye can see rocks, all in a vibrant reddish hue during sunset. I cannot wait to experience this for myself because it seems as though it would be a life altering experience (not to mention as once-in-a-life-time one as well).

Here is the site to see this wonderful place: www.ecodaya.net/home/html