Crunch Time

The day when we leave keeps drawing closer and closer, I still don't think I have realized that I've been in India for the past three months. With the semester drawing to a close we are slowly wrapping things up in the academic department. I have one final paper due soon, the draft is due tomorrow. I'll admit I haven't started yet, I don't even have a topic. Here is why...even though I suppose excuses shouldn't be a vaild reason.

My main reason for coming on this program was for the solo. The solo was finished probably over two weeks ago...I am slowly losing track of time other than the fact I leave soon. Everything had been leading up to the solo and now that it's done I am too. I am completely over doing anything academic or any person reflection. I think if I have to self reflect one more time I will explode. I have been looking at myself for so long, since May of this year, that my last two weeks here I don't want to be productive. I want to be free and explore everything I haven't gotten to experience yet. I deserve a break. I'm in India and yet know so little about it because of the giant bubble called Auroville which I live in. It makes to so upset that I cannot eat Indian food. I'M IN INDIA AND I'M NOT EATING THEIR FOOD!!??? I am so frustrated with the western individuals I am forced to be with everyday. My community stay is a prison. I feel so trapped, my wings have been clipped so I cannot soar.

I am escaping every night back to College Guest House, where I lived the first two in a half months, to talk and play games with the night watchmen. They are my only connection to India in this messed up place. I love spending time with them and will miss them a lot once I return home. Some of the girls in my group cannot understand why I am always there, I cannot understand why they want to lay here all day? I have done my duty to the program and to the academics -- I want a break now.

I will say that by being in community stay I have had the most freedom. I am able to do whatever I want whenever I want -- this does not mean that I do but I have the ability. The ball and chain that has been shacked on my ankle since I have been here has been released. Do I know how to walk without it? I am slowly testing the waters and coming into my own again. But next Sunday I become shacked again this time only for a week, then I'm free once I'm on the plane home. What are my chains at home? I haven't thought about that yet. I am free of school now, until I decide I want to attend grad school. I have many monetary obligations, non of which I want to think about. Did I put the chains there myself....or were they forced on me? Are there invisible ones I don't know about? How can I break them? Do I want to break them?

Rain falling,
clouds pouring into the already damp earth
Nature creating it's own music
that slowly rocks me to sleep
Water purifies, water is a mirror
Mirrors that bend and ripple
what time is it?
what reality is it?
Setting listening I understand so little
the music falls on deaf ears...
when will I hear again?