Personal Struggle

My latest issue...other than my 'n' key sticking which makes it difficult to type at times...is that fact that I feel somewhat alone in my pilgrimage. A few nights ago I had a small episode where I got upset about what is currently happening in the States. (Let me just say I like the fact that I can say 'the States.') Power was out was out once again, as it usually is, when one of the other girls came in to say that Wall Street had just had crashed. Now I still have not actually looked up this information -- but I know that the issue isn't good nor is it very promising for when I return home. A flood of emotions over came me and I became very upset...all of this was happening while I was listening to The Power of Now which at that point Tolle was saying don't dwell on the emotions for that gives them and the mind more power. So I was sitting there freaking out to some extent while at the same time I was trying to not dwell on any of the feelings I was having. I did struggle back and forth and finally I had to turn him off and write out my feelings.

I opened with being upset and who those feelings were directed too. First I am worried about my parents because this trip wasn't cheap and while I know it's a once-in-a-life-time chance I feel a little responsible if they did have money issues. I have been on my own for some time and while at times I have been given some of their money, along with other family members, I feel awkward in using their money. Then I started thinking about Jordan, my boyfriend. I don't believe the school would take away his aid at all but I worry about our house. A lot of the homes being closed are on college students who's landlords cannot afford the mortgage on the property. I'm worried that when I return home I won't have a house...and I worry about him because he doesn't need to worry about such things while dealing with grad school. His education is much more important and I suppose I'm not there to be the worrier.

BUT......there is nothing I can do about because I am in India!!!!! So I need a very large chill pill.....which I have taken and am in the process of digesting.

On to another topic....there has been quite a bit of drama in this wonderful paradise. I don't really want to go into details but I am getting very frustrated. I then wrote this in my journal: When you are going through deep emotional and egoic changes how do you connect with people who all still believe what you now know to be false? I don't believe that I am above people in anyway I just feel I am on a different plane than them. I really want to talk about what the pre-semester readings touched on but we only talk about our life stories, which Tolle says isn't really who we are. We are not our past, nor our stories, nor our future.....we are the now and what we can be in the now. So on that plane I am presenting a false self to the group....but I cannot present my true self unless they are able to see the now. I'm struggling with applying his teachings in this environment. On the other hand it's actually a good practice because the majority of the world isn't at the stage I am. I can test out my new found knowledge in this smaller community and find ways of presenting it to a larger one.

I've also been working on not worrying what others think of me. I feel as though I am good at it however sometimes I cannot always put those thoughts aside. I'm directing this to Jordan at the moment. I believe that I am becoming a spiritual person, not to be confused with a religious person. It is something that has always been there but I have only now started to hear it and actually understand. I fear that Jordan will have conflict with this new side of me. That is actually my biggest fear upon my return.....that I will have changed so much that he no longer knows who I am or sees the old Alyssa he loves and started dating. Now I am not trying to say by any means this is what he will actually do....but it is my fear. He is also not at all close minded and I know with the majority of my being that this is false.....there is still that demon hiding behind my ear whispering the negative side of everything. But I am working on these things and I do feel as though I have made progress from even how I was at the start of this year.

My last note will be how awesome Tai Chi is. While I was expecting yoga when I arrived here I am really enjoying Tai Chi. It is such a graceful form and as I slowly move across the roof as the sun rises and the Matrimandir is to the south it is truly a jaw dropping moment. Tomorrow I will finally be able to post pictures. I am cheating right now by adding this one but my blog has been so naked that it needs a picture. But more will come in the future.