Tying lose ends

I will first start out with the bad news. Last Thursday I received an e mail from the president of UK saying that a dummy of Obama had been found hung from a tree. I could not believe what I was reading. How could someone my age, at my university do such a stupid inconsiderate racist act? Are we really still that backwards? I became really upset to the point that I was shaking with rage. I tried to call Jordan to talk to someone who could relate to the issue but he didn't pick up his phone. I journaled instead questioning how could the United States ever change if we cannot even get past issues concerning race? I am the only person from my group that is from "The South" everyone else is from New England. I don't want to say there are not backward people up north but nothing like what I have seen in the south. I really needed someone who could understand how ridiculous things could really get and relate to how awful of a situation this particular incident was. That night I basically lost all faith and respect for people in Kentucky. I know that I should not generalize but Kentucky is red and only a few counties go blue. It is almost as though my vote doesn't even count. How do you get suck bone headed people to change? I thought my generation was doing well and we had surpassed many of these racial issues --but that seems false. The next day I received another e mail saying they had caught the two guys, one was a UK student while the other one had no affiliation with the university. Because of student confidentiality policy I won't hear anything else about the trial, yet if I was in Lexington I would probably be able to read something in the newspaper. There will also be consequences from the university not just Fayette County. So about two hours after I found this news out we were having our usual community meeting. There has been a lot of tension in the community that had been building for quite some time. Well that night a lot of it was released. I personally had a blow up and a melt down. Being as upset as I was I didn't hold back anything that I had been thinking or feeling since I had been here. One of my biggest problems is finding the line that separate being a helpful friend or being a mother. We are all between the ages of 20-23, we should be able to get ourselves out of bed, wash our own dishes and pick up after ourselves. I do not need to tell you this you should be responsible enough to do it on your own. I later just had a complete breakdown and cried my eyes out which was a good release. Every few months I need a good cry to get out all of the frustration or tension that had been building up. After the meeting I felt a lot lighter and while we will not change over night I think change will slowly happen. We leave on our month long trip this coming Friday so hopefully attitudes will change or else it will be hell for everyone. That's one issue with community...when some has an issue with someone else it runs though everyone, no one is safe from the fire. That is something I have had to deal with more than I would like to admit. On a more positive note, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I know it's a few days late but we had a party on Saturday night which was quite the hit. Laura and I decorated with ghosts, made a graveyard, spider webs and spiders, and lots of paper candle holders. The best part I think was the watermelon carving. Yes I did say watermelon. There are pumpkins here, yet it isn't the season for them. So the next best thing happened to be a watermelon. We did the same as a pumpkin, took out the top, hollowed out the center, and carved the face or whatever wanted to be craved. The great part was that we made watermelon juice out of the left over which was quite tasty. I happened to be a ninja this year because a lot of the girls say I look like one while I Tai Chi. Then one of the night watchman painted my face...which didn't make me look very ninja like but still a cool design. We had a huge sound system and probably around 50 people. It seems like we are the first group to do such a thing. We called the watermelon juice "blood" and made spaghetti which happened to be "brains." It was quite a fun night. Though I have to say my favorite part of the night was my walk with Nandha, the night watchman who I've formed a friendship with. He is my age and lives in one of the villages surrounding Auroville. He is quite at times but defiantly has times when he can talk for hours, which was what we did. We just sort of wandered off and touched on all sorts of subjects. I learned quite a bit about him and his village, such that up until about a year or two ago there were rival gangs that were killing the villagers. He saved two girls from dieing too. It was very powerful and moving to compare my life to his, all on my head of course, and how different it's been. I don't want to say his life has been harder because we have different cultures and countries but compared to mine I have been on auto pilot. I really respect him and he has so much potential in several areas but I don't know if he will actually get a chance to achieve any of them. He does seem to have the drive to but from example he wants to become a politician for his village yet only women can hold such a position. He says he could work through his wife but he doesn't want to married...that poses a problem. He also has expressed interest in becoming a Yogi which I find fascinating...to have that much devotion to something would be a wonderful fulfilling thing to have. I keep telling him he has to come visit me, but that is another thing that he may or may not be able to ever accomplish. He wants to see Switzerland, snow, and go sledding. Part of me wants to help him achieve his goals but I don't think I have that kind of power. He is an amazing artist as well. Every so often we trade back and forth drawing different images and his are about 1000 times better than mine. Though I will say my portrait of him, other than the fact I didn't make his head quite long enough, was spot on. He has yet to draw me. I'm starting to dread going home in a way because I have become so comfortable here. I see this as my home right now, and I do want to see my family as well as Jordan I've just become so accustom to living here that I can't image what life is going to be like I go back to the States. And with such a turning point happening with the election tomorrow who knows what life will be like when I return. I have formed some friendships that I don't see how I'm going to live without. I guess without is the wrong word but they will not be 30 feet from me so if I needed to talk. Life is going to be different in so many ways, more than I know now. I can't dwell on it because I still am only half way through here but it seems to always sit in the back of my mind heavy, waiting for a chance to come forward. I suppose that's enough for now. As I said we leave for Bangalore and Hampi this Friday and will be gone till the end of the month. I am really looking forward to these travels because the solo was one of the main reasons I chose this program. Till next time....

Sunny side up

First I would like to apologize because I haven't posted in quite some time. We traveled from October 15th until the 19th to Trichy and Tanjavoor and another place I can’t remember. Over the course of those few days, we saw a total of five different temples ranging from recently discovered and completely carved of stone to huge brightly colored over the top with gold domes. All of them were magical. I regret to say I won't have any pictures of them because cameras are not usually allowed and if they are they charge you for them.....sorry temple I am not going to pay you for my camera. I believe my favorite one was the one which is now under the protection of a NGO. While it is sad that this temple is under their control and isn't as available to the public much as some of the other ones we saw -- it was the most amazing. We descended down these slick stone steps into a foot of water pooled around the entrance. I do not believe this was on purpose, only because of the monsoon was it filled with water. But on second hand, it could be seen as a way to clean your feet before entering a holy place. Our teacher, Dr. V, actually helped excavate this particular temple until the NGO took over. (Dr. V is a professor of Art History and Archeology who came along with us to extend his knowledge of Indian temple culture.) You enter the temple through these large wooden doors and place your shoes to the left. As you put your shoes down and slowly stand up the main temple sits quietly, waiting for her followers to enter. We step down into the center area and gaze at this marvelous stone structure. Every inch of the temple is carved of stone, no flat surfaces anywhere and they all told different stories. Toward the back outside face of the temple you could even see some of the old paintings which had once covered the entire surface. Think of a rich red background complemented by greens and yellows all perfectly drawn to form different Gods and Goddesses. Not many were actually able to be seen because most had worn away with age, but they few that were left were stunning. While I don't enjoy ancient art as much as modern art, no one could look at this temple and not have a deep appreciation for it. After the trip, I was pretty exhausted and felt as though I needed a vacation after our vacation. We are all starting to have a lot of group issues. It might not be so much group issues as individuals having problems with others which then cross over into the whole group. The trip helped and hurt some of the current and now existing issues. I don't feel a need to go into these problems because they don't concern anything of importance to those reading. I personally, am starting to have issues with individuals. The biggest problem with this group is that we are all female and then feel like we all have to complain all the time. At nearly every point during the day someone is saying something negative about something, being the guest house, people, internet, food, you name it, and I have had enough. People should be THANKFUL for everything we have....but hardly anyone is. Here I am talking about people being negative and yet I am also doing it. That's the other thing -- it's like a disease that everyone is catching. Even the most positive people are becoming negative...but that is how group dynamics work. I am not sure that people know that, and I am not sure that the ones who are constantly negative even care. As awful as it sounds I feel like we have a lot of superficial people here and a lot of them don't care for the group as much as they should – they are one a ‘personal’ crusade (I use quotes because they are superficial people and I don’t believe that really want to even find their true self’s.). I am becoming sick of it....and am having problems staying positive even though I am perfectly happy with my life here. With all that, I think my immune system has been weakened – I have been somewhat under the weather the past two days. I won’t go into details, again not something you would really want to read, but I didn't leave bed for about a day in a half. Most of the girls have something similar or worse than what I had, which is nice in a way because then it's a lot quieter....but bad because everyone is ill. One of the girls from last semester, who now lives in Auroville now, came to talk to us the other day. Our month long trip is coming up on November 7th and we wanted to hear her take on it. She said everyone gets sick and to just expect it but that it is still an amazing experience. She wasn't able to do the solo because she was too sick but everyone in her group that was able to loved it. I really hope I am not sick for the solo because that is what I have been looking forward to the most. I am a little worried about fasting for 2 days because of my head – but I think it would be good to clean out all my toxins and bad energy so that I am able to come back a new person for the last few weeks and the community stay and, hopefully, really transform. On a personal note I have been dealing with an issue. I feel as though all the personal growth that I did over the summer, emotionally and being able to clear my head, has been tossed into the wind. I am not as bad as I use to be but I still am nothing like when I first arrived. I know I need to see this as a challenge, to apply these practices in a larger group setting and to really work on myself....but it's so hard. We have all talked about how what we are doing is nothing like what we expected (which is one problem because with having expectations) but that should be seen as a new challenge to turn what we are given into a memorable trip. So that is my biggest personal conflict – finding my current self in the teachings I've learned in the past, and apply what I'm learning. I am somewhat fearful that I won't be able to achieve such a high goal but I am keeping an open mind and am looking forward to living more in the moment. The week before we leave on our trip we have the choice of continuing our service learning or doing academic work in that time. I have chosen to dwell on my academics because I believe that I haven't been improving as much as I should have in the month in a half since we have been here. Time is ticking away and I have learned little next to nothing I feel, and while that may or may not be the case that is how I see it. How could I be in a different country and not learn? What am I missing out on? What am I not seeing? Everyday I do my daily routine but do I ever enjoy or truly learn from my day? No. But maybe it's not all about learning right now. The things I'm doing now will sink in at some point. It may not be till I'm back, which will be unfortunate, but I will not lose my moments here forever. I need to slow down, take a deep breath and say, 'I'm in India.' I don't do this enough. When I do however, my blood flows, my heart leaps, and my soul and mind turn into willing instruments to be played as the world sees fit. I am in India and I can enjoy myself. It is the choices I make that make or break my trip. While the choices may not always be correct they will in the end help me to because a better person and develop in ways I never knew possible. I am in India and I have a choice to develop myself in a positive, or negative way. I'm in India and am ready to start anew. I'm in India and have an open soul. I'm in India and have an open mind. I'm in India........what will come next?

Sunday in the cow field

I am just a few days shy of being here for one month. So much has happened and I have said so little. As I have said to family and friends, our internet connection here is so hit and miss I hardly check if it works. When it does everyone in my group is on and I usually just choose to read and not take part in the madness.

I had one of the better experiences since being here yesterday. One of our night watchmen plays cricket every Sunday so another girl and I decided to go check it out. The monsoon season started more or less yesterday morning so not many guys were out there - most of them figured since it rained a little no one would be playing. There was only a small group of guys and a few children running around as is slowly started to sprinkle again. I had brought a disk with me and she and I started throwing. One of the guys started taking pictures of us....but really is that any different than us taking pictures of them? I didn't feel threatened and there was no reason for me to yell at him - within 3 minutes he put his camera down.

After about 20 minutes one of the smaller children came over and stood within 20 feet of me. He wanted the disk. I tossed it to him and this huge grin went across his whole face. Within 5 minutes all the children and a few of the older guys were wanting to throw as well. (Now to have a sidebar for a moment. When I say older guys, I'm talking about late teens, 20's and probably some in their early 30's. As for the children however, they are small but I could not for the life of me make a guess that was close to there age. One boy looked like he was 13....he was 18! Some of the children were young, but I don't think any were under 7 years of age.) My favorite throw was when one of the older guys came over looking all macho. I throw the disk to him and it just hits him right in his chest...didn't put out his arms or anything. His whole crew started laughing and for the next half an hour, until they understood better what was going on, the peanut gallery hooted and howled at them.

The actual cricket game didn't start until about an hour after we had been there. The kids and I moved out of the field and I showed them how to flick and hammer. One little kid, probably 14 really, was really really good. He picked up the different throws really fast. His flick is amazing....much better than mine when I first started. I turned back and forth between tossing and watching the game. I tried to learn their names but being a different language it was difficult for me to remember them all. I don't speak much Tamil and they just had a little English. But this was an activity that didn't require language and it was wonderful just to spend time with the local people.

After about 2 hours the little kids ran off and a few of the older ones started to teach me how to bat. That bat would really knock someone out. I have blisters on my hand and I can hardly lift my arms above my head today. It was great when I did make contact with the ball they were in awe that a girl could hit like that. Now they were not doing the running start, but the ball wasn't slow either, and I wasn't on the real field - but still, I did well. I hit probably for 45 minutes or more, my arms were done and I just sat down to watch the real game going on.

It was nice because they were not focused on me. Most of the time when I go out I am the focus of everyone attention because I'm American. But they were into their game and I could just there and be. Other than that guy the first few minutes while we were there their attention wasn't on us, unless I had the disk. The little kids asked my name and shortened it to 'Isa' and at one point they were calling me Big Sister. While I was batting and when the really game took a break I knew they were talking about me because I heard my name....but had no idea what they were saying. Nanda is our watchman who plays so I asked him to find out what was being said....see if I am worthy to play with them in the future.

I had such a refreshing day to be with the locals, on their turf, and able to interact with them without loads of attention or intentions or just being looked at constantly. I have gotten use to it and it doesn't bother me yet some of the other girls don't like it...which I understand. But I was more myself yesterday than I have been with my 'community' for the past month. Ultimate is something that I love and I was extatctic that I got to share it with them. They asked if I was coming the following week, but we will be traveling but I said I'd be there in two weeks. I am excited to teach them to play really ultimate and hope they will let me play cricket with them. Since I'm female I don't know if they will allow that but Nanda says I should be fine. I cannot wait!

In other news, as I said monsoon season started. The rain here is, no I should say the thunder here is amazing. I wanted to get my camera and take audio of it because it is some much different than anything I have heard at home. Here there is the rumble that we hear at home, but it lasts throughout the entire 'thunder' as it were. Then towards the end there are loud booms, that sound like a cannon is going off. At home it's more of a crack noise that sounds like the sky is splitting but here it's such a beautiful sound. I should have plenty of chances to let everyone hear it...so hopefully the next time I post I can have some wonderful thunder for you.

I think I'll leave it there for the moment. Personally I am doing fine. I haven't had any revelations or awe inspiring moments to write down....they will come eventually.

Personal Struggle

My latest issue...other than my 'n' key sticking which makes it difficult to type at times...is that fact that I feel somewhat alone in my pilgrimage. A few nights ago I had a small episode where I got upset about what is currently happening in the States. (Let me just say I like the fact that I can say 'the States.') Power was out was out once again, as it usually is, when one of the other girls came in to say that Wall Street had just had crashed. Now I still have not actually looked up this information -- but I know that the issue isn't good nor is it very promising for when I return home. A flood of emotions over came me and I became very upset...all of this was happening while I was listening to The Power of Now which at that point Tolle was saying don't dwell on the emotions for that gives them and the mind more power. So I was sitting there freaking out to some extent while at the same time I was trying to not dwell on any of the feelings I was having. I did struggle back and forth and finally I had to turn him off and write out my feelings.

I opened with being upset and who those feelings were directed too. First I am worried about my parents because this trip wasn't cheap and while I know it's a once-in-a-life-time chance I feel a little responsible if they did have money issues. I have been on my own for some time and while at times I have been given some of their money, along with other family members, I feel awkward in using their money. Then I started thinking about Jordan, my boyfriend. I don't believe the school would take away his aid at all but I worry about our house. A lot of the homes being closed are on college students who's landlords cannot afford the mortgage on the property. I'm worried that when I return home I won't have a house...and I worry about him because he doesn't need to worry about such things while dealing with grad school. His education is much more important and I suppose I'm not there to be the worrier.

BUT......there is nothing I can do about because I am in India!!!!! So I need a very large chill pill.....which I have taken and am in the process of digesting.

On to another topic....there has been quite a bit of drama in this wonderful paradise. I don't really want to go into details but I am getting very frustrated. I then wrote this in my journal: When you are going through deep emotional and egoic changes how do you connect with people who all still believe what you now know to be false? I don't believe that I am above people in anyway I just feel I am on a different plane than them. I really want to talk about what the pre-semester readings touched on but we only talk about our life stories, which Tolle says isn't really who we are. We are not our past, nor our stories, nor our future.....we are the now and what we can be in the now. So on that plane I am presenting a false self to the group....but I cannot present my true self unless they are able to see the now. I'm struggling with applying his teachings in this environment. On the other hand it's actually a good practice because the majority of the world isn't at the stage I am. I can test out my new found knowledge in this smaller community and find ways of presenting it to a larger one.

I've also been working on not worrying what others think of me. I feel as though I am good at it however sometimes I cannot always put those thoughts aside. I'm directing this to Jordan at the moment. I believe that I am becoming a spiritual person, not to be confused with a religious person. It is something that has always been there but I have only now started to hear it and actually understand. I fear that Jordan will have conflict with this new side of me. That is actually my biggest fear upon my return.....that I will have changed so much that he no longer knows who I am or sees the old Alyssa he loves and started dating. Now I am not trying to say by any means this is what he will actually do....but it is my fear. He is also not at all close minded and I know with the majority of my being that this is false.....there is still that demon hiding behind my ear whispering the negative side of everything. But I am working on these things and I do feel as though I have made progress from even how I was at the start of this year.

My last note will be how awesome Tai Chi is. While I was expecting yoga when I arrived here I am really enjoying Tai Chi. It is such a graceful form and as I slowly move across the roof as the sun rises and the Matrimandir is to the south it is truly a jaw dropping moment. Tomorrow I will finally be able to post pictures. I am cheating right now by adding this one but my blog has been so naked that it needs a picture. But more will come in the future.

Blah time

I'm more or less in full swing here in Auroville however, I am having some issues. I have been feeling very numb over the past few days, which we actually talked about today and a few others are feeling the same way. Last night I was trying to figure out why I might be feeling like this. Here is what I have come up with. We have been doing a lot of getting-to-know-each-other activities and somewhat traveling around Auroville. I like this and I am happy to have the down time but I don't feel as though I am actually here. I am just waiting for it all to start. Once the academic section starts I have a feeling that I’ll be better. I came here ready to start learning – and I suppose that I am learning but not really from where I thought I would be. It’s time to get dirty and learn and challenge myself and so far all I’ve been doing is sitting and listening to lectures and feeling like I’m on a field trip. I should be appreciating the time I have now but I guess I am too focused on the future, or the hopes I had, to really enjoy the now. All of this goes against what I said several blogs ago that I’m going to live in the moment. It seems as though I am failing at this. How do I get out of this? I’m really lost. My mind is really blank but I can’t seem to enjoy the time I have here. Again it’s been 3 days but I’m really frustrated with this feeling. I know I need to just let it go and not worry but it’s a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. I really need to blog on the program site so I’ll leave this one here for now. My last thing before I go however is that I will be doing Tai Chi instead of yoga every morning – at 6:15 am. Holy Cow! So for the next 3 mornings I’m slowly going to get up earlier and earlier so I won’t be quite as dead come Monday morning.

Day one

Hello all once again. I am here and at the moment only have 30 minutes of battery power left so I won't write very much. It's pretty hot here and I'm sweating like crazy....but there is a nice breeze most of the time which I love. I won't be able to post pictures for about two weeks....so you all will have to bear with me. It's been a good experience so far, even if I have only been here a day in a half. I presented my life presentation today which seemed to go well. I had better run...I'll try and wrote more later.

Feeling Calm

Now only two days away from flying to India, I feel calm. Usually in situations like this, I feel stressed and worried and a number of other emotions that make very unsettled. Yet right now I am not particularly excited, not upset either, I'm not a basket case -- I'm just calm. I know come Saturday morning my stomach will hit the floor. I don't seem to get 'butterflies,' my stomach feels more as though it's laying on the floor and I'm having to drag it everywhere. That feeling will come, just as it did when I left Jordan in South Bend and it every time I think about Saturday morning. But I am not worried about this feeling because I know it will be there and I have come to terms with that. My body seems to know that change is happening and it's nerves, like the first day of school. This is something that is really hard to describe and I'm not sure everyone can understand why I'm not freaking out. I feel more open and accepting about what might/will come and that allows me to release my usual feelings of stress. And let me say I am happy to get rid of stress.

I have my suitcase packed and it's weighing in at 39 pounds -- I'm allowed 44. I have everything I need in there and probably a little more but I tried very hard not to over pack. I remember when I went to Quito I lugged my largest suitcase and tossed in half my clothes. I was there for a week in a half. That was such a bad choice but I have learned from that and I believe I've done a good job this time. My carry-on weighs 16 and I'm allowed 17 so I'm cutting that one close. But I put my really important information in there along with a change of clothes so if something does happen to my suitcase I won't be completely up the creek. I have also decided to take my laptop. Since I have an obligation to my program in keeping my blog and while Auroville does have computers it isn't always feasible that one will get one. So in light of these possible foreseeable issues I felt it best just to take my computer. I will have a small load to lug around but once I'm there I can unpack the majority of these possessions and leave them in one location.

In the last few days I have been finishing up homework, packing, and getting all my ducks in a row. The homework has been going well. I have finally nailed down my presentation on passion. I'm actually rather proud of the presentation and I hope others will enjoy it as well. I learned a lot from the research I did and it settled many of issues I was having. I think the biggest thing I learned is that ones passion comes to you not from you. After getting a response back from one of my instructors in India about my problems with the assignment, he wanted me to question if this was an important issue in my life. I have discovered that the passion itself isn't important to me at the moment -- and I'm not sure if it will be once it comes to me. What is important is being open and listening so when it does come I will be able to receive it. So my challenge to myself over these next 3 months is learning to be open and receive whatever might come into me. I also need to be aware that it will take some time to learn these skills and not to become frustrated when I don't hear anything -- it will come.

My reading assignments are done along with the journal entries yet now I'm having issues with my personal life presentation. I sat down the other day and wrote from the time I entered Chamber Singers in the fall of 2001 until the present moment the major events that happened in my life. In the past 7 years there has been quite a few life altering moments, from becoming part of Chamber Singers to running away from home, meeting Jordan to making the choice to move to South Bend. There are so many changes that have happened that I cannot fit them into a 5-10 minute presentation. Today I am going to tackle and finish this assignment and create my visual...still not sure what to do with it either. But I need to keep a clear mind and what needs to come will come.

The last thing I want to touch on is the series Oprah did with Eckhart Tolle and his latest book, A New Earth. I have not read the book but I don't think the discussions they are having necessarily require reading the book. Once I return, I do intend to read it but in terms of understanding what is being discussed the book isn't necessarily relevant -- for me anyway. I have only watched the first two so far but they are really something else. I have thought in the past that people really cannot change in order to save the planet -- yet here are millions of people around the world that have felt this shift within themselves -- that something else is alive inside and are trying to bring that forth. That gives me hope that we can be the ones to change the planet and make it a better place for ourselves and future generations. I only want to touch on one or two things, but there are so many more that I welcome anyone who wants to know more to read the book and/or watch the web videos.

The second class was on the ego. We all have one but very few of use do not indulge it....me included. I finally made the connection in the film Spirited Away when a big blog comes in and starts eating everything -- he was a physical representation of the ego. I guess I 'got it' when I watched the film but I didn't really understand it until yesterday afternoon. My dad asked what represented ego in Howl's Moving Castle? (both of these film are by Hayao Miyazaki) The castle itself was the ego. What I found the most interesting is that the ego cannot survive in the now or the present. It thrives on the past and future, but here is the kicker...we are only ever in the now. It sounds stupid to say because 'Duh...of course we are in the present' but how many people really understand that? It was like me with the ego and Miyazaki's films...I 'got it' but didn't understand it. Say you want to enjoy a new bike so your dreaming about it but when you actually get the bike that happens in the present...so we really only live in the present. The future becomes the present at some point. True, you can enjoy past memories but you are doing that in the present too. So when someone says that an individual is living in the past or future they are living with their ego more than the now. I believe it was my last entry when I decided to live in the now because it was silly to dwell on past and future problems when I can be perfectly happy with the moment I'm in right now....is exactly what Tolle says! (A little mind blowing.) I feel like I am on the right track. Not only do I plan on listening for whatever wants to come to me, I need to work on living in the moment...both goals over the next few months and I feel as though they are within my reach.

Well I have written quite the epic story today. I'll end on those hopeful notes and the next time I'll write I will hopefully be in India!